Working thru fat picture anxiety.

I'm sitting here with Gritz trying to process my fear of pictures. Thanks, everybody, for the posts on my last comment!!


I think I could best relate to someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder holding dog poo without washing their hands right now!! That's the level of uncomfortableness that I have when I look at bad pictures. It affects me (BG--look! I backspaced "effects me"!) on a level that doesn't make any sense. 

I walk around in this body all the time. Other people see me and interact with me without gnashing their teeth and wearing sackcloth and ashes when they see my second row of boobs above my belly button! So, why does it impact ME so much when I see those pictures? And how do I get to the point of acceptance --how do I get to the point that it doesn't completely ruin my day and dissolve all my resolve into a pile of 'what's the use'?

I mean--I was on that vacation two years ago. Last year, I was at the aquarium, too. But you would NEVER know it, because all evidence has been successfully destroyed! I have photo albums FULL of pictures of my daughter and all the things we've done together as a family WITHOUT pictures of me and my husband--he's a cameraphobe too. And that really is a shame!! When I see pictures of the pumpkin patch or the beach--I don't see the experience or the fun we had that day--I see the way my arm fat bulges out under my shoulders and how my fannypack of a stomach is billowing out of my swimsuit. It's like a horror movie in slow motion. Delete...delete...crop...crop........whew!!!  As if getting rid of that photo changes one bit of reality.

It's like the scale. One day the scale is showing a loss. I'll be on cloud nine, blogging like crazy, floating around, kissing babies and hugging everyone. The next day I've gained 3.1 pounds (absolutely NO perceptible difference to the naked eye) and my world has become suddenly oppressive in the reality of my perception.

I've contemplated being like Drazil and going on a scale fast, but that scares the crap out of me too. I keep reeling back over the mantra that "people that weigh every day have the most success in weightloss". Hell or high water I'll be on that scale everyday buck naked  like a gambling addict at a slot machine hoping for a payout.

Fat pictures aren't my problem. The real problem is the fear. MB would say to observe your reactions of fear from a distance. The brain that observes itself, changes itself.  I've also read that the brain literally cannot process gratefulness at the same time as fear. My initial reaction to this type of thing is to knee-jerk into a frenzied state of HAVE TO LOSE 40 POUNDS THIS WEEK!! My mind morphing into a slave driver state, but that just produces an equal and opposite reaction of unhealthy eating eventually. Instead, I want to work thru this so that I can put it down and keep on my path of success.

The next time I see my whole family is in July. We are all going to Orlando---a week of Sea World, beaches, Disney World...etc. I resolve to have LOTS of pictures of me and the family from this vacation. Most of all, I resolve to see past the chins and rolls and see the fun we are having. Whether I am at goal by then---or 181.8 pounds---I want to feel this way.

Sigh......ok, here's my plan: 

I'm going to ask my husband to stalk me with the camera all evening tonight and tomorrow. Then I'll sit down sometime over this weekend and really look at all of those pictures. If I don't keel over, I'll go to the place inside where I can OBSERVE from a distance the reactions I'm having. I'll offer that part of myself that is PB-ing up a bezoar--compassion, acceptance and kindness...and I'll focus on the things in the picture that I'm grateful for.