I don't even know where to start...because my intention for this post is to try to reset myself somehow and get myself back in the mode of purpose and calm.
By way of update: Christmas vacation back home in Illinois/Iowa was great. I was at all-time low 168 and had worked my way to being in good cardiovascular shape with all the crazy exercising---so I FELT great too. Then I ate a salad while I was talking to my friend and swallowed a chunk of ham before I chewed it all the way. STUCK---five days of nothing but liquids--hideous heartburn--doctors "not taking new patients" and then back to VA. On Jan 3rd, my DR took everything out of my band. He said that I had 2 ccs and he took 1 out--but it felt like EVERYTHING was gone. I ate whatever I wanted while I stressed about moving and packed every spare second of the day. For the first two weeks I didn't gain anything. I felt REALLY good too. I decided that my plan would be to focus on high-fiber whole veggies and try to clean out my system. Major fail with THAT plan!!! :o)
Feb 26th was the first day that I could get in to have a fill. That is about 8 weeks after my unfil. I weighed 178 that day. Felt horrible about it. He put .8CC in. Still felt like absolutely nothing was in my band.
It is a sick and slipping feeling to see the scales going up each day. Yesterday, I went in for my next fill. In those three weeks I had put on 4 more pounds. I weighed 180 on their scales--but 182 on mine.
I still feel pretty empty. I have a hint of restriction now--felt a little this morning while I drank my cold coffee. I'm hoping that is a good sign and that this one will at least freeze the scales.
So....wow...just when I think that I have a handle on things and that I have figured a few things out! Reality moons me. How the heck did this happen?!?! Feeling hungry again--wow. Being able to eat potato salad again. Being able to eat WHATEVER I WANTED again...hamburgers on the grill. Pizza. Strombolis.
14 pounds in 12 weeks. How long will it take to get those back off???! The cold fingers of fear are creeping up and fretting about this summer and being at goal by my two year bandiversary and that wedding I have to go to August 6th...and all of that panic and feelings of failure welling up inside. Being within 18 pounds of goal--steady going down without even trying...to now 31.8 pounds from goal...no 32.2....no 32.4 AAAAGGHH.
So, back to blogging. I need to down-shift and get centered. Writing it down always helps. It helps to see it in black and white. It is time to get my power back and get back in the groove.
1 comment:
You can get back on track! Keep blogging and go back to basics. Maybe focus on eating more protein to help with the hunger. Sounds crazy but whenever I feel a binge coming on I try to eat chicken which fills me up quickly. Good luck and hope to hear more from you!
Post a Comment