Declaring war on what got me there….

I have spent a lot of time this week, writing down the reasons why I want to get to my goal and why I shouldn’t settle. I’ll blog about those later on, but, I was inspired by Jack’s blog post and decided to blog about “the why”.


In war, it is valuable to know your enemy—not just to know your mission. In this process of getting to my goal, that means not only knowing the reasons to get to point B…I want to know how I got to point A in the first place. Maybe this will help me when I get to the dreaded Maintaining phase??

So, I’m shaving my head (GI JANE---NOT Britney Spears.)

It didn’t just happen overnight. I didn’t go to sleep one night after teaching Pilates and then wake up fat. There was a reason that month after month I watched the scale go up (and down and up higher). There was a reason that I didn’t have the strength to press stop or to change my mindset. There was a reason that I ate more pushing back the sirens in my mind. Those reasons are different for all of us.

For me the reasons were stress caused by my ex leaving me when I was pregnant. It was being a single mom with no time to work out. It was my sluggish thyroid after having a baby. It was going thru a divorce. It was all kinds of things. Poor, poor, pitiful me!

There are a lot of “reasons” and quirks of fate that “made me” get to where I was…but the underlying cause is far less heroic. The passive-aggressive part of me that wants to feel exempt from any part of past failures and wants to lick my wounds as the sinned-against pastor’s daughter hates to think of the cause. But it’s there…within me--even still.

For me, I am beginning to realize that the root cause was escape and ease. The flight response. Conflict avoidance. It is easier to float than it is to row against the current. And I chose 'easier' time and time again. The farther downstream I got, the harder the current and the more I floated. I literally “let myself go”. I WANTED to be back upstream….more than anything in the world. There would be moments of valor where I would paddle hard for days—visions of grandeur in my head…”if I can just get to where I was I won’t have to fight anymore”. But that’s not true either. This beast of ease is the hardest to fight for me. It doesn’t have the claws and fangs—he’s a masseuse and plays tranquil music while he puts hot rocks on my back. ‘You really deserve to relax. You have had a hard day—just get takeout tonight.’ Ease just kept consoling me and justifying everything by pointing at circumstances. My response to those circumstances (the real power within me) was out of sight-out of mind. And my daughter really wanted Mac n’ Cheese instead of healthy food—it wasn’t me. I have had a long day—home is my sanctuary.

In the end—it wasn’t easier at all. I had traded momentary ease for self-loathing defeat. My body physically started changing from the inside out—my blood changing, my arteries hardening, fat cells growing, skin stretching, my face getting puffy, my eyes losing sparkle, my mind losing fight. I started slowly melting to the back of group pictures---even though I’m usually the shortest person there. I started walking past department store mirrors careful to avert my eyes so I wouldn’t catch a glimpse. I quit going into the Limited and Victoria Secret because nothing looked good on me anymore. I put a picture of my daughter on my facebook profile. I quit going to visit beautiful skinny friends. I cried. I hung my head. I hated myself.

To continue with my metaphor—I got a motor for my boat when I got banded. So—I’m on my way back upstream. I can still float—and have floated more than I want to admit—but usually that just makes my boat stand still now. Settling for halfway upstream is my new “EASE” that I fight. The occasional dipping my paddle in and rowing like hell is good—but it's not good enough for me! I’ve identified my enemy now.

It is time to require more of myself.

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces, while regret weighs tons.” Jim Rohn

I’m going to take a different approach to the way I view circumstances. When something presents itself—I will look and say…” what is the easiest thing to do?”—then I will REQUIRE MORE OF MYSELF. In the morning, eyes puffy and scratchy from these dumb allergies and the last thing I want is oatmeal---it would be easiest to order a breakfast sandwich at Starbucks this morning while I’m there---I will require more of myself and pour my oatmeal.

“Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want.” Ayn Rand

I will change my mindset from thinking that I am somehow “depriving myself” by doing what I don't want to do(the definition of self-discipline), and realize instead that I am valuing myself more than ever by doing what I don't want to do.

I will no longer accept a “lack of response” to BE a response when difficulty comes…instead I have to see the dog days as the best days, because I can turn obstacles into opportunities—just by pushing thru and putting one foot in front of the other.

It’s time to go out and fight, and come back with my shield or on it!!